When is avoidance just avoidance – and when is it PDA?

I’ve seen a few conversations recently in PDA Facebook groups where parents are trying to figure out whether what they’re seeing is PDA, or whether it’s another kind of avoidance. It got me reflecting on what that difference feels like in my own life, and I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

I identify as AuDHD and PDA, and it’s sometimes hard to pick apart what is executive dysfunction and what’s pure PDA resistance.

In our house a perceived demand can look like panic. Fear. Irrationality. Shortness of breath, the need to avoid and escape. For me it’s a huge wall of no. It’s not as simple as giving yourself a talking-to and overcoming it. PDA is irrational. I can’t put flea treatment on the dogs at the moment. Not sure why 🤣 Gotta wait for the flow… one day my brain will just tell me to do it! Notably, even things one of my children enjoys can suddenly feel impossible if they feel like a demand.

It’s true that the way you word things can help for many PDAers, but a demand is a demand. You can’t dress it up with declarative language because the intent is still there. Rewards or a ‘bribe’ don’t work for us either. They create anxiety and quickly turn into demands. Sharing the why is more helpful for us, and a PDAer will want to know what’s in it for them. They’ll see through anyone who isn’t being authentic. I’ve learned that building connection and trust is far more important than completing daily mundane tasks.

I have two autistic children. One experiences significant fear of failure. They won’t start a task they think they can’t complete. They can also be extremely avoidant, especially if interrupted mid-task. Their reaction can be angry and intense, but it’s logical. It makes sense. It’s very different to my other child who is PDA.

For that child, the avoidance can be around anything – even things they enjoy. It’s very much rooted in autonomy and the perceived loss of autonomy. You can see the anxiety and the agitation. They’ll use all sorts of tactics to get out of doing the thing – silliness, distraction, role-playing as a character or animal, silly voices, all sorts of creative diversions – and if that doesn’t work, they’ll move to something else. “I can’t get out of bed, my legs don’t work.” And they mean it. Anything to keep you negotiating and them not doing the thing. If you keep pushing, the anger will kick in. Rage. This is not defiance. This is panic. A nervous system in a threat response.

This is PDA avoidance. And it can be internalised too. Some people, often girls, will fawn as their threat response – appear compliant, then when you don’t see it, regain some semblance of control with subtle equalising behaviour.

One tiny example: my PDA child was once asked to leave a playground with cousins. They didn’t want to because they’d been directly asked to. They bunny-hopped out, slowly. They did the thing, but on their terms. They took back control.

PDA is so nuanced, so complex. It’s not just about avoiding demands or wanting to be in charge. For me, my PDA also brings some real strengths – an inbuilt need for fairness and wanting to stand up to injustice. My PDA feels like a fire deep in my belly that drives me – so whilst it can be irrational and debilitating, it can also feel incredibly powerful. I think this is likely due to the fact that I have now accepted myself, my children – our family exactly as we are. Feeling able to show up authentically. I couldn’t have done that years ago.

That’s my experience. But I’d love to hear yours. How do you spot the difference between PDA avoidance and other types of avoidance? What do you feel is the essence of PDA? Get in touch and let me know.