The 3-question pause: the tool I gave school but needed myself

Around this time about six years ago, in the thick of trying to get school to understand my child, I sent them a list of practical tips. It was born out of exhaustion – trying to advocate for them, trying to meet their needs at home, trying to co-regulate while running on fumes myself.

The very first thing on that list still stands out to me today:

Avoid saying no. Instead, approach with curiosity and ask three questions.

At the time I meant this for the teachers, but honestly? It’s been a powerful tool in my own parenting too.

Asking three questions – pausing to get curious instead of reacting or shutting something down – does a few things:

– It gives your child a moment to feel heard.
– It buys you time to regulate yourself.
– It helps you gather information so you can respond rather than react.

The rest of my list from that email is probably familiar to many of you: avoid direct instructions, give choices, explain the why, use their interests, work with them as a partner. These are all brilliant strategies for supporting a neurodivergent child.

But here’s the piece I wish someone had said to me back then: You deserve the same care.

The 3-question pause can be a lifeline for you too. Before you jump into another round of advocating, firefighting or explaining, ask yourself three questions:

– What do I need in this moment?
– Is there any support I can draw on?
– How can I lower the pressure on myself right now, even a little?

Sometimes the answer will be tiny – a sip of water, a deep breath before replying to a school email, stepping outside for one minute of quiet. Sometimes it’s bigger – asking a friend to pick up shopping, pushing back on a demand, or giving yourself permission to leave something undone.

We’re so conditioned to pour everything into helping our children that we forget we’re allowed to be part of the equation. The truth is: when you’re regulated, rested and supported, your child benefits too.

So this week, try the 3-question pause – for your child and for yourself. It’s a small, simple shift that can make advocacy a little less exhausting and connection a little easier.