The day I pulled the plug

Today I’m going to share a moment with you that, even now, brings up shame, guilt and remorse. I’m sharing it because I know so many of us find ourselves in situations we never thought we’d be in as parents.

This was several years ago, back when we were only just starting to realise there was neurodivergence in our family. We’d begun to understand that one of our children might be PDA. I’d already read The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Greene. We were learning, shifting our parenting, doing everything we could to get it “right.”

But the gap between knowing the theory and living the reality felt like a canyon.

It was a hot day. I’d set up the paddling pool in the garden, thinking it would be lovely – a bit of fun, a bit of peace. I’d explained about water safety and thought they’d manage. But the minute they got in, they were utterly over-excited. Constant screaming. Constant splashing. Constant grabbing and pushing. I couldn’t step away for more than a minute because they simply couldn’t be in the pool together without it becoming dangerous.

Looking back now, I see my expectation – that it would all run smoothly, that we’d have this carefree family moment – just wasn’t realistic. But at the time, despite everything I was learning, I was still deeply triggered. My own internal conditioning, the expectations I was placing on them, and the sheer sensory overload of the situation was tipping me over.

I didn’t understand then how much the constant noise, the hypervigilance, the never-ending refereeing was hammering my nervous system. I was overstimulated, frightened someone would get hurt, and at the same time desperately longing for this to look like it does for other families.

As the chaos escalated, so did I. I started shouting that if they couldn’t behave, I’d take the pool away. My threats triggered more resistance, the behaviour escalated, and suddenly we had inflexible children and an inflexible adult clashing – explosions all round.

And then it happened. In a moment of pure overwhelm, I reached for the valve where you pump the air in and I yanked it out. The air started rushing out. The water started pouring everywhere. And while they were still in the pool I screamed that I’d had enough, that it was over.

They looked up at me with pleading faces – and it dawned on me, even as it was happening: oh my God, what am I doing? Why didn’t I handle this better? But it was too late. The pool was deflating. The water was draining. We were all crying.

In that moment I couldn’t find the logical, reasonable side of my brain. I couldn’t take a breath and compose myself. I knew I was adding to the noise. I knew I was escalating everything. And still, I couldn’t stop.

That day etched itself into my mind. Because even with all the books and the theory, I didn’t have the capacity. I was human. Overstimulated. Conditioned. Triggered.

It became a turning point. I realised I couldn’t be the parent I wanted to be without working on my own nervous system first. I had to go back and unpick why I’d been so overwhelmed. Why I’d snapped. Why I’d shouted even though I knew it would make things worse.

Now, years on, things look different. I still snap sometimes – we all do – but I can catch myself much earlier. I know how to apologise, take ownership and repair. I understand my own neurodivergence more. I offer myself kindness. I forgive myself. And I model for my children that when we mess up, we repair.

Understanding ourselves and offering ourselves grace in the moment isn’t making excuses. It’s learning how to look after ourselves – and our children – in a new way.

That’s why I’ve created a gentle, realistic four-day mini course for parents like us. We’ll look at small but powerful ways to calm our bodies, soften shame and give ourselves tiny moments of relief. Nothing dramatic or time-consuming – just practical tools that fit into the life you’re actually living right now.

It’s completely free. You can take what you need, use what fits, leave what doesn’t.

If you’d like to join me, you can sign up here:

https://regulate.emma-mcdonnell.com

I’d love for you to come and share this space with me.