You could feel everyone watching

I had a conversation earlier this week that reminded me of a few things I think I now take for granted.

We’ve been on this journey for so many years, and I’m surrounded by people in a similar position, so it’s only every now and again that I come across somebody who is earlier on, or who is just starting to understand that something is going on with their child but hasn’t quite reached the point of fully accepting it.

I was talking to a mum who had been at a gathering with other parents. Her child had been more frustrated, more explosive, not listening, appearing defiant. Unfamiliar place, unfamiliar people, didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to engage.

Here’s the thing. She knew exactly what was happening. She could see her child was overloaded and struggling. But in that moment, with other parents watching, making comments, judging both her child and her parenting, she didn’t know what to do or what to say.

I said to her, honestly, that you get past the point of caring. You grow a thick skin. My priority now is my child, their regulation and their safety, and I don’t much care about anything else.

But I do remember it. I remember feeling the eyes on me. Feeling judged. Feeling like I wasn’t behaving in a socially acceptable way, that I wasn’t disciplining my child, that I was letting them get away with things.

So we started talking, and I told her what I say to people now. She said it was really helpful. And I thought, actually, it is, isn’t it. So that’s what I want to share with you this week.

A lot of what I say comes from Dr Ross Greene and his collaborative problem-solving approach. Years ago, one of the biggest things that helped me reframe my child’s behaviour was listening on audiobook to The Explosive Child. It was life-changing for my family. It helped me understand that my child wasn’t naughty, wasn’t being defiant, wasn’t deliberately making choices to act out. They had skills that were lagging.

None of this depends on a diagnosis, but it is incredibly relevant if you have a neurodivergent child, particularly one with volatile or explosive behaviours.

All children develop at different rates. There are skills every child has to learn and build over time, and they all get there at their own pace. Flexibility and adaptability. Frustration tolerance. Problem solving. It is not at all uncommon for neurodivergent children to be behind on some of these.

So when we see a child who appears to be defiant, quite often what’s actually happening is that the expectation being placed on them exceeds their capacity in that moment. What they need is not more boundaries, not more coercion and control. They need help to build those skills, and they need patience, understanding and empathy while they do it.

The way I explain this to people is with reading, and it’s the bit that tends to shift something for them.

If you have a child who is struggling to read, you don’t sit them down with a book and shout at them to just read it. You wouldn’t dream of it. You take that child aside and you give them the extra support they need, with kindness and patience.

And yet when a child is struggling with frustration tolerance, or flexibility, or problem solving, that is essentially the approach we take. We tell them to just do the thing. We add a consequence when they can’t.

I’ve worked with multi academy trusts on behaviour policies where the whole assumption is that a child who isn’t behaving in the desired way is lacking motivation, so the answer is a mixture of rewards and consequences. I always challenge that. That child probably isn’t lacking motivation at all. That child most likely wants to meet the expectation. They simply haven’t developed the skill set to do it yet.

Now, you don’t owe anyone an explanation in the moment. In the moment your priority is your child, full stop. But if you do want to say something, later, to someone worth the conversation, this is roughly what I say.

They’re not choosing this. There are some skills they’re still building, things like coping with change and managing frustration, and they’re behind on those the way another child might be behind on reading. Shouting at a child to read doesn’t teach them to read. This is the same. They need support to build the skill, not a consequence for not having it yet.

It isn’t an excuse. It’s an explanation. And what tends to happen is that people realise they have been judging a child for not meeting an expectation the child isn’t capable of meeting yet. It reframes their thinking slightly, and it lets them be a bit more compassionate.

Some people still won’t get it, even when you try. Those are not your people. Don’t waste your energy on them. Find your tribe, find the ones on a similar path who understand without you having to explain, because unless you’ve lived it, it can be genuinely hard to grasp.

If you haven’t come across Dr Ross Greene, I really recommend his books and his website, Lives in the Balance. It’s an approach that works particularly well for PDA and neurodivergent children, though honestly I think all children – and all people, benefit from it.

His best known phrase is that children do well when they can. I want to remind you that grown-ups do well when they can too. Parents do well when they can.

So if you’re at the stage where you’re struggling with the behaviours at home, even when you know all the theory, please be kind to yourself. Knowing it and living it every single day are two very different things. Show yourself the same grace and compassion you’d want to show your child, or a friend.

Take care of yourselves.