I’d never thought to ask for myself

Last week, the National Autistic Society came out and stated, definitively and for the first time, that autism is genetic. You’re born autistic and you’re autistic for life. It’s not something you can catch. It’s your neurology, and it’s inherited, most often from your parents. We’ve all known this for many years, but it’s nice of them to finally catch up and make it official, and I expect it will make some things easier.

It got me thinking about my own light bulb moment. When I realised that both of my children are neurodivergent, I took a look at myself, and all of a sudden so many things started to make so much more sense.

I think lots of parents of neurodivergent children have this moment, and it can go one of two ways. You might have a child who is struggling at school, and when someone suggests they could be neurodivergent, you think, oh no, they’re just like me – so they’re completely normal, for want of a better word. Or you go the other way. You recognise all these traits in your child, you fight for a diagnosis and for support, you advocate for everything they need, and it isn’t until later that it suddenly dawns on you. Oh my goodness, we are the same.

Then you start to look back. You reprocess events from your own life and your own childhood through the lens of being autistic, or ADHD, or PDA, or a combination, and everything starts to make a bit more sense.

It’s an incredible realisation, this self-awareness you suddenly gain. For many years a lot of us berated ourselves for the struggles we had. We labelled ourselves, or other people labelled us – lazy, daydreamer, defiant, awkward. So many different words, and none of them showed any kind of compassion. It was all judgement, and it was all negative.

When I think of my children being described in the same way, it horrifies me, because I understand what’s going on. I know behaviour is communication. I know they experience and process the world differently. Realising that so do I was incredibly enlightening.

But I have to be honest, I haven’t done much with it. Some people go straight out and seek a diagnosis for themselves. For others it feels less important, or we simply haven’t had the time or the energy to start, because we’ve been so focused on our children and their needs.

So the NAS publicly stating that autism is genetic does feel significant. Against the backdrop of some of the more negative news we’ve been dealing with over recent months, and the general shift in public opinion around SEND reforms, it feels, in a small way, helpful. Even if it’s something many of us have known for a long time, way before there was formal research behind it or large national charities willing to make such bold statements. This is our lives. We live it day in, day out.

One thing that stood out to me in the announcement was that when the NAS shared their findings with a panel of 300 autistic people and families, many were worried it could lead to parents being blamed, or blaming themselves. After years of judgement, I understand why. But blame only makes sense if there’s something wrong, and there isn’t. I’m proud to be autistic. It’s part of how I think and who I am – it’s just how my brain works.

Something else happened this week that I want to share. I had a meeting coming up and knew I might find it hard to process and respond in the moment. So I let the person know in advance that I’m neurodivergent, that it sometimes takes me a while to process, and that it would help to have some idea of what we’d be talking about. They came back very graciously, completely accepting of the request, and sent me an agenda. It meant I could plan what I wanted to say, and it made the meeting so much easier to work through.

It’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like it. For so many years I’ve advocated for my children, and not once had I stopped and asked for an adjustment for myself. I felt quite proud. I’ve finally realised that this is something I can do, and that it’s acceptable for me to do it.

So I’m wondering how you feel about the NAS’s announcement. Do you think it makes much difference? And have you ever advocated for yourself, or asked for a reasonable adjustment for your own needs? If you have, you’re probably a little further along than me on that one.

In other news, I’m doing a lot of dog walking with our spotty new arrival. And after an intense few days with lots going backwards and forwards with school, we seem to be settling back into a routine of sorts, so fingers crossed things start to feel a bit calmer as we move through September. Never say never, though. I’m hoping to put a bit more time into my own work, and I’ll be sharing details soon of how I plan to make my Reclaim Your Balance course much more accessible, so that many more parents can experience it.

In the meantime, I feel like September has probably been a lot so far, and we’re not even at the end yet. So I’ve decided to celebrate the NAS announcement by sharing something with you all. My three-minute reset bundle is a combination of workbooks, meditation and videos, designed to slot into the few minutes you might find here or there, to bring the focus back onto you and how you’re feeling. I hope it might help ground you and help you feel a bit more human again in amongst all the busyness.

Until the end of September, you can get it for just £10 with the code SEPTRESET, the lowest price it’s ever been. More details here. Dip in if you feel it would help, and if it’s not for you, that’s fine too.