The day school broke our trust

I’ve seen this come up on social media recently and it dug up a particular memory for me. Even now, I still feel really deeply affected by it. It was one of the more traumatic things that happened – for both my child and me.

So many parents go through it, over and over again, and yet teachers and professionals don’t seem to realise just how wrong it is and the impact it has.

We’re going back to when my child was very young. Every single day, school drop-off was a nightmare. They would cling to me, cry, scream, try to run off. They were very clearly showing that they did not feel safe in that environment.

At the time, it was put onto me – separation anxiety, that they were too attached, that the problem was me. I was made to feel like I was the issue, rather than recognising that my child was desperately trying to tell us they weren’t feeling safe at school.

Most mornings, I’d be there up to an hour trying to coax them, waiting, sitting with them. And the moment I left, we’d be right back to square one. They wanted to come home. They wanted me.

And then one particular day – it all happened so quickly.

They walked up the steps towards the classroom door. At the last second, they realised what was happening and turned to come back. At that moment, their teacher held onto them.

Everything in my body, everything in me wanted to grab them back. I knew it wasn’t right. But in that moment, under so much pressure, with all the weight of “you must get them in,” I froze.

The teacher put their arms around my child while they screamed and cried and reached for me. She told me, “It’s okay, they’ll be fine. You can go.”

And I walked away.

Every fragment of my being was screaming, don’t leave. But I did. Because I didn’t have the voice then. I didn’t have the confidence. I was exhausted, confused, overwhelmed. And I walked away while my child was restrained and crying for me.

The story we all hear is that they’re “fine once you’ve gone.” But they weren’t fine. Not that time. They were so distressed and overwhelmed that it took them much longer to calm, and even then, they masked. They always masked.

For them, it was traumatic. It broke the trust they had in me, their safe person. It told them I could leave them in that state, when they were terrified and reaching for me.

For me, it was traumatic. My nervous system was shot. I felt frozen, like my body wasn’t my own. I had no autonomy. I felt like I’d betrayed them. I can still feel the guilt and the sickness of that moment, even now.

I apologised. I promised it would never happen again. And it didn’t. I never again left my children in that state. If they were in meltdown, if they were banging on doors, crying for me – I went back. I stayed until they were calm, or we left together. Because I will not traumatise my children to tick a box.

That day changed everything for me. I had to slowly rebuild the trust with my child. I had to rebuild myself too.

And I know many of you have faced the same pressure. You’ve been told to just go. You’ve been made to feel like the problem. But you are not the problem.

That’s why I’m inviting you to my free four-day mini course this October. Just 15 minutes a day to start regulating your nervous system, finding calm in your body again, so you can show up for your child without losing yourself. Sign up here to join me from 13th October.

And if you can’t manage four days, join me for the one-hour workshop on 17th October, where I’ll bring it all together. One hour, one toolkit, to help you start shifting out of survival and back into calm. Sign up for the workshop here.