The exhausting flip side of PDA

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about a side of PDA that doesn’t get talked about enough. We know about avoiding demands – but what about when our PDAers aren’t just avoiding them, they’re making them? And not just the odd request, but constant, relentless demands that can feel impossible to keep up with.

Sometimes it’s everyday things like asking me to put socks on, or charge a device because the battery is low. Sometimes it’s very specific, like wanting me to look up all of the Captain Underpants villains – and getting annoyed because I’m not doing it quickly enough. It doesn’t matter what I’m in the middle of, in that moment I’m expected to stop and do it instantly.

The more anxious they are, the more precise and controlling the demands become. And if there are ADHD traits in the mix – which there are for many PDAers – the ability to wait just isn’t there. It’s now or nothing.

Right now, with summer routines gone, siblings around more, and everything feeling busier, I know a lot of parents will be feeling this too.

Sometimes I just do the thing, because I know it’s what my child needs to feel safe. This isn’t “giving in” – it’s making an accommodation for a nervous system disability. But I’m also human. I’m neurodivergent myself. I can’t always drop everything.

If I think they can cope, I might try to stretch their tolerance very slightly. I never say no – I’ll say yes, but I’ll tell them I need to finish what I’m doing first. Sometimes that helps build independence, sometimes it tips things over. It’s eggshells. You get very good at reading your child’s state and making a judgement call in the moment.

And of course, there are plenty of times where I put my own needs aside to keep them regulated – but I still have to find ways to stop myself tipping into overload. I notice when I’m holding my breath and actually breathe again. I keep my voice slow and steady even when inside I’m rushing. I remind myself it’s not personal – it’s anxiety talking. I give myself permission to feel irritated without piling guilt on top. And I grab moments for myself whenever they appear, even if that’s just sitting down for three minutes while the kettle boils.

Some days I manage it better than others. Some days I’m done in by lunchtime. But understanding what’s driving the demands – and looking after my own nervous system alongside theirs – is the only way I get through without running myself into the ground.

If this is your reality too, you’re not alone. It’s exhausting. Be kind to yourself.