When your child needs your nervous system to cope

I used to joke that I couldn’t even go to the loo without a small shadow following me. But it wasn’t really funny.

My child, who has a PDA profile, relied on me as their external nervous system. They needed constant engagement to feel safe. Unless distracted by a screen, they needed my full attention, every second. I was their anchor. Their calm. Their regulation.

And I didn’t mind – of course I’d do anything for them. I still would. But let’s be honest: it’s relentless.

You can’t sit down to eat.

You can’t finish a thought, let alone the laundry.

You’re not co-regulating – you’re absorbing.

I know how much this takes from you. The hypervigilance. The overstimulation. The guilt when you feel touched-out or snappy.

And the heartbreak when no one else seems to understand what this actually looks like.

It’s not just that you can’t leave the room – it’s that you can’t leave the role.

Even when your child is calm, you’re still switched on. Holding everything steady underneath.

Sometimes the only break I got was stepping outside, taking a breath, and looking up at the sky. Not because I had time – but because I needed to remember that I existed too.

So what helps when you’re deep in it? These aren’t fixes – just small things that helped me get through:

Staying present while doing the basics
I could load the dishwasher, prep dinner, wipe down the surfaces – all while answering questions or helping them through a moment. It wasn’t multitasking. It was life. They needed me close, and I found ways to stay connected while still getting essentials done.

Making space without disconnection
If I needed five minutes, we’d talk about it first. I’d do something together with them, then they’d have some screen time while I got on with things – but I was never far. I’d check in, pop back, reassure them. They still needed me, and I gave them that – just in a different way.

Finding calm in connection
Sometimes we’d snuggle and I’d read stories in the middle of the day – not because it was planned, but because it helped us both regulate. Those moments gave us connection without chaos. And sometimes, that was enough.

Even if you can’t leave the house, connection still matters.

A quick message to a friend. Someone to vent to. Just a reminder that you exist outside of this – not just as a parent, but as you.

If you’re in this season right now – where your child needs your nervous system because theirs can’t do it alone – I see you.

You’re not doing it wrong.

You’re not weak for finding it hard.

You’re showing up, every day, in ways most people wouldn’t even understand.

It won’t always be this intense. But while you’re here, you deserve support too.

I’m walking this path with you.