Why birthdays can be tricky for PDAer’s

It was a birthday in our house this week, and this is what one child wrote on the other’s card:

“Looser!!! Wow, you’re another year to death. Love from [name]. P.S. Give me money.”

Now obviously, this made us laugh. Luckily, they’ve reached a stage where they can banter with each other and find the funny side. It wasn’t always like this – it’s taken years of work (from all of us) to reach this point.

Over time we’ve also put in some little adjustments to soften the blow. For example, we’ve always made sure that on birthdays, the non-birthday child gets a small gift too – nothing big, just a token so they feel included. For one of our children this works really well, because… well, dopamine. There’s always excitement about spending money before it’s even arrived. This year they negotiated to have their birthday gift slightly early, which did make us wonder how the actual day would go. But to be fair, they did brilliantly.

So why are birthdays, or any special occasion, tricky for PDAers?

When you stop and think about it, those days are full of demands:

You’re expected to smile, say happy birthday, and be happy for the other person.
You’re expected to give a gift, maybe write a card – which can feel hard in itself, especially if writing doesn’t come easily.
You’re expected to join in social things, sing happy birthday, or go along with days out that might not be your choice.

That’s a lot of hidden demands, piled up with social expectations. It’s not about being a killjoy or unkind – it’s just overwhelming.

Over the years we’ve lowered the pressure around birthdays. We keep them low key, give everyone choice (like cupcakes alongside the main cake), and let them join in as much or as little as they want. There’s still anxiety, and we sometimes see irritation bubbling, but mostly things run more smoothly now.

Earlier in our journey birthdays were much harder. We were still learning, and he didn’t have the language or strategies to cope. It’s taken a long time to get here.

So I’m curious – how do your PDA children cope with birthdays or special occasions? Do they find them overwhelming, or are they able to go with the flow? I’d love to hear your experiences.